time flies, but we’re the pilot

a word that ive been thinking a lot for the past year. funny enough when i was in jakarta, i was working full time, mostly from my home, and it has never stroke my head about “i’m running out of time”. my home was nice, i cook, i wfh, i can watch tv while working, i can clock out and then immediately do exercise. my first year of graduate study was very exciting. as a person who rarely hang out, it was nice to try hanging out with friends, exploring the city, talking until late nights about life. i never really have these many friends before. my second year was less happy. i started to worry about everything. life after graduation, my thesis and all of its chaos, learning mandarin, brushing my compsci knowledge. not gonna lie, i lost all my motivation. i even abandoned my business, my favorite activity in this world. i became so exhausted by my thesis that there was a period when i questioned whether i even wanted to continue in computer science after graduation. but then what am i gonna do? no idea.

life is so fast. i feel like i just arrived in Taiwan yesterday, hating my dormitory, but then I’m leaving it in 2 months. and every day is so damn fast. i gotta do my thesis, learn Chinese, make side projects, take care of my business. and other school activities like job fairs, interviews, meetings, counseling. i havent even mentioned socializing. ive cut socializing from my activities since 3 months ago. okay so you might think thesis is one word but it includes coding, reading, writing, making presentations, meeting, all by yourself. it’s a lot of things and i feel like i’m running out of time. now i understand the non-stop song from hamilton.

another example: finding a job. okay going to job fairs (i recently just read that job fairs are not really looking for people, theyre just complying with government rules or part of their marketing), applying jobs, fixing your resume, making cover letters for each company, figuring all that recruitment documents in chinese, onsite interview which might be in another city, doing the take home assignments, personality test, logic test, english test, preparing for the interview, preparing in chinese, studying about the company’s background.

and there’s one more thing that i should do recently which is finding a place to stay in taiwan. and god if i can be honest, i’m actually so tired. these triple threats are really taking a toll on me. that's one reason i decided to start counseling.. to have a space to process the uncertainty and stress.

my question is how am i supposed to do these triple threats, while still learning chinese, touching grass, exercise, socialize, try out new hobbies? how do you guys manage your time? i do feel like i manage my time very well, i’m a very organized person who plans every day on my google calendar (i have never been late to anything (if im late, im gonna say it beforehand, bc my activities are conflicting). i keep my promises even though i dont like my promise) i dont know how you can be okay at 12pm and knowing all you did that first half of the day was just going for a run.

my family believes in me. my friend who is in indonesia also said to me that theyre happy to see me thriving in taiwan, exposing to more and better opportunities. i’m grateful for this, but i just didnt expect it would be this hard. maybe i keep comparing myself to my friends who even got jobs long way before their grads, or from mouth to mouth, or the power of their friends. i’m trying to forget about it trust me.

while i was talking about school, life, and career, i also remember this. still about time. that we are getting older every day. my parents and my siblings. and it just makes me sad when i cant spend my time with them. time is so fast, time is so precious.

im in the edge of oral defense, graduating, moving out. i still dont know what im gonna do after that, but im preparing myself for this unstable period of time. it surely will pass and i hope a beautiful thing is waiting in the end.

well it took me 40 minutes to write this. did i just waste my time? lol.

until next time,

indira